Quotes n Jokes

Big Hitter

Playing on one of Dublin's less salubrious golf courses I teamed up with a little auld Dub. After I hit an unusually long (and flukey) drive
the auld fella turned to me an said "Jaysus son, I wouldn't go that far on me bleedin' holidays"

The F-word

Forgive me father, I used the f word this week.
Ah, my son, tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word, after all, I can sometimes understand a person being provoked into using it.
Well, I was golfing, and I hit a beautiful tee shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 300 yards but then suddenly veered into the woods.
Ah, that is when you used the F-word?
I can appreciate your frustration as I am a golfer myself.
No, I stayed calm at that point, father, I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but it landed in a bunker.
Ah, now I can understand you saying the F-word at that point.
No, Father, I remained calm even then, I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the sand right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup.
Ah, that is when you used the F-word, how frustrating said the priest.
No, Father, I was still calm at this point.
Don't tell me you missed the f**king putt said the priest

Marital Problems

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

Mixed Doubles

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that .."

Desert Island

One day, this bloke who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten lonely years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 'No, can't be a ship,' he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the bloke and says "You poor man, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years!' the bloke says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. The bloke takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Cor, that is sooooooo good!'
She then asks the bloke, 'How long has it been since you've had a sip of scotch whisky?'Trembling, the bloke replies, 'Ten years!'
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. The bloke opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, 'Cor, that's absolutely bloody marvellous!'
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the bloke seductively, and asks, 'And how long has it been since you've played around?'
The bloke, with tears in his eyes, replies, 'Oh give over! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!'

Funeral Procession

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years!"

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied

that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Pulling on The Golf Course

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie
putt to win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sox he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again.They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made
reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"
Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
"What? Why not?" asked Dave.
"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."
"You b*stard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*stard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

TOP TEN CADDY REPLIES
#10 Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy "Eventually."
# 6 Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer "How do you like my game?" Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment .. Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bunker play
A Hitler - 2 shots in the bunker
An Eva Braun - Picked up in the Bunker
Putting
A Maradonna - a nasty little 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
Off the Tee
A Sally Gunnell - ugly, but she'll get there
A Liz McColgan - ugly, far too thin, but runs and runs
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A Kate Moss - thinned it
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again

General
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J.Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right